Big Life Changes

I had an Al-anon slip right before went left for Colorado & wrote an angry letter to our daughter. I usually just sit with my feelings, feel them & move on, but I felt like I needed to say the things I did. Either way, it's in the past, I can't change it & she responded in a positive way, so I guess we'll work from there.

Our trip to Colorado was amazing. I got along with all of my in-laws, they were so happy to see us & we were thrilled to just be there & participating in family-type stuff. Our granddaughter is beautiful, flirty & already such a character. We did a lot of thinking on our drive out there, during the trip & on our way back. We decided that we have never liked living where we are, that we came here to help my mother deal with my grandmother (who passed away in 2008) and since my husband will have 20 years at his current employer in 2015 (after which he has maxed out his rate of pay for retirement, meaning he will earn whatever he is making in 2015 on his retirement), we will be leaving & moving back home. We have started to save all of our non-essential income (everything that doesn't get used for bills, gas & groceries), agreed we won't be buying anything non-essential & have cut way back on food costs in the hope that we can buy a home when we get there. We plan to make at least one trip out there before the move to house-hunt & job search (more like do interviews & so on, hopefully), so that we have a place to actually move into and income being generated after we get there. Our son will be going with us, as well.

We haven't told anyone here about our decision. We aren't sure how they'll take it & we don't want to deal with all of the anger & guilt trips that we're sure people will try to lay on us, so we'll just wait.

Other stuff.. religiously, I recently read an article that describes my beliefs perfectly:

“Secular Paganism is not a religion; it is an ethical view of the world, based on the belief that Nature is sacred and must be respected and treasured. Secular Pagans hold many of the same views about Nature that religious Pagans and many people of other religions do. Secular Pagans believe that we are a part of Nature, not her master. There are no particular religious views connected with Secular Paganism.” ~ Abby Willowroot

And for me, also explains the conflict I've been having within myself when I lead or participate in ritual. I'm just not feeling it, and I don't think I ever really did. I think I've been trying awfully hard to make myself feel it, but I'm just not succeeding & I feel like I've been living a lie.

I don't believe in "magick" or deities, I don't feel the energy in circles everyone else claims to feel or what they say they feel in stones & what have you. I know if a house is haunted or if something bad has happened somewhere, or if someone is a sketchy individual, but it doesn't take a religion to tell me that.

I'm tired of ritual and all of the going through the motions. I think I'm more a person who would prefer to mark the changing seasons in my own way, with a meal or changing the decor in my home or whatever. It's more personal & meaningful to me that way. So, I stepped down as High Priestess today, and I feel free finally.

Foodwise? I made it to about 40 days abstinent & then started gradually slipping away. I didn't have a solid food plan & wasn't paying attention to my old habits. I'm signed up with SparkPeople again, counting my calories and taking care of myself. Progress not perfection.

Two Steps Forward..

It hasn't been a great few days for me. I've let outside bullshit affect my inner peace. I don't feel that I had a slip, I just let some of my good behaviors & tools slide to the wayside for a couple of days. I didn't binge, or eat compulsively, I just didn't pay attention to my hunger/full signals & also ate some stuff that my body apparently doesn't do well with. It's strange that I never noticed it before, but I get a bad stomach ache when I eat beef.

Anyway. Stuff that went wrong. My daughter sent me a hateful letter early in the week. She usually acts this way when she's been back to drinking, so I have to assume that she's given in to the folks making pruno in the prison. I figured it was only a matter of time, honestly. That part of it doesn't bother me, it's her damned life. It bothers me when she tries to drag me into her manufactured drama. She has her self convinced that my best friend's daughter is talking about her & saying that her marriage will never last. She isn't saying anything, and is so wrapped up in her own life (with a 6 year old, a 2 year old & a baby due in September) that she barely remembers my daughter is married. This knowledge changes nothing in my daughter's mind, because she has convinced herself that it is otherwise & she can never be wrong.

She is also very angry that we'll be attending our niece's wedding in Colorado in June, because we didn't go to hers'. There were many reasons that we didn't go to her's, the first being that she had just disowned me and refused to invite me to it. When my husband told her he wasn't going because I wasn't invited, she waited two more weeks to grudgingly invite me to go. Next, was the fact that she had promised no less than four men that when she got out of rehab (which happened on November 1, 2012) she would marry them. (she married someone not included in this pool of men on January 21, 2013), so it rather seemed like her goal was to be married, not to find a life-partner. We also knew she was drinking & wanted no part in that.

I don't feel that I owe anyone an explanation for my actions, I did what I needed to in order to keep my emotions safe. We are going to our niece's wedding because we haven't done anything with my husband's family for 20 years & it's about time we do. We're also going to go & meet our brand new granddaughter while we're there.

There was an unrelated incident with someone else that made me very angry & upset, and I instantly derailed & stopped paying attention to my stomach. I appear to be back on track today, thankfully!

Abstinence

Today, I am 2 weeks abstinent. Many of the members of my home group made it seem that abstinence was almost impossible & I was afraid I wouldn't be able to achieve it. I also realize that I'm in the "honeymoon phase" of OA & could have a much harder time maintaining my abstinence later on, but I don't see the reality of working the program unless I am giving it 100%. If I'm not abstinent, then I'm not working my program, much like I believe that I can't be working my Al-Anon program if I'm still trying to control the actions of the alcoholics in my life or engaging in other co-dependent behaviors.

I heard someone tell me, the other day, that they were working their program other than the food part and I guess I don't understand that. This is a 12-step program for compulsive overeaters, it's all about "the food part," like AA is all about "the alcohol part." I feel like too many people think that abstinence, or striving to be abstinent or willingness to be abstinent is optional. I understand struggling, I understand that we slip & binge. Just don't tell me you're working your program when you're really back in the food. If you're struggling, ask me for help. If you're in the food, tell me, so I can tell you I'll be here for you when you need me. I can't be effective if you're not honest.

I'm sorry. I'm a little disappointed in that person. We were co-sponsoring & she was doing so well in the beginning & then she suddenly left me hanging. I know she's experiencing a lot of stress in her life and I know that the temptation to go back to our old ways is a strong one during times of immense turmoil. I'm thankful she's at least working her steps right now. I do hope that she'll go back to the beginning & start with #1.

I see no one in my home group who's recovery I want, I do want a sponsor, but I won't settle for one who doesn't have the type of recovery that I need in my life. For me, abstinence MUST be the foundation of my recovery.