Better Today

I'm not nearly so angry today, and I actually managed to get quite a bit done around the house. I got the living room cleaned up so it could e vacuumed by my husband, then we got the Yule tree put up and decorated, all before he had to leave for work at 5:30.

I spent a lot of time searching for a missing gift in my bedroom and in the process the bedroom looks a bit better, too. I didn't find the gift, but everything else is wrapped & ready to go. I can't put them under the tree, because my daughter's cat (yes, THAT daughter) will pee on them. I don't know why I have to take care of the little beast after she never bothered to properly box train her, but I apparently do (I don't dislike cats.. ours is wonderful & sweet and never goes on the floors or anything else).

That's a bout it.. I stayed on program today, but I'm too tired to post what I ate today, so I'm going to go to bed, instead!

Struggling

This has been the toughest stretch in my entire life, I think. I can't focus on anything but my freaking daughter & her addictions, even when it's not what I want to be focusing on. I'll get a couple of days peace, without her bothering me, followed by 2 days where she's forcing herself on me & trying to push me back into her life. After she's dressed down for that, she'll come up with an excuse to text me, claiming that it's because she's worried about my granddaughter or something (the girl is not my that daughter's child) like that, trying to lure me in & when it doesn't work, resorting to sad faces.

Last week started off with her claiming to our daughter-from-another-mother (my best friend, Dawn's daughter) that she had gone to the ER and they told her she had h1n1 & salmonella. Ok.. first off, there are 1 or 2 breakouts in the world of h1n1 right now & she hasn't been in either country. Next, she would have had to have walked to the ER, and got in to see the doctor & back home again in an hour or less. Last, my best friend & her son saw her a hour before all of this & she was fine. If she was throwing up, it was because she was drunk I brought this all up to DFAM and she gave her phone to my daughter, who throw a fit & demanded that I "get the fuck out of her life" claiming that I was "abusive, controlling & manipulative." I immediately told her "fine, have a great life" and ended the conversation. She has kept things up off & on since then, pretty much begging me on Friday to come back into her life. I'm not going for it this time, I'm tired of her cycle of abuse. As an adult, you're allowed to divorce a spouse who abuses you, but when you walk away from your abusive, adult offspring, people think you're harsh or over-reacting and just wrong. Why is that? Why are we not allowed to protect ourselves from whoever is abusing us, regardless of their relationship to us?

At any rate, the rest of us have been in turmoil, because I'm overly emotional & feeling overwhelmed and that cuts to the heart of the family, because I'm not great yet at expressing myself or stating my needs (but I am working on it).. I haven't allowed all of this to derail my eating, now that I feel like I'm finally back on track & determined to take care of myself, but it's been a rough 5 months, between her being in jail & then rehab & being really great at pretending she was really going to stay sober this time. It's been heartbreaking, but it's time to move on from that sad little tale & get on with my own life.

Breakfast
Smart Ones Scramble: 5 points
Oikos Mango Apricot Yogurt: 3 points
2 Clementines: 0 points
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8 points

Lunch
Oroweat Honey Wheat Berry Bread (2 slices): 5 points
Honey Ham (2 oz): 2 points
Cracked pepper mayonnaise with olive oil: 1 point
Sargento Ultra Thin Swiss (1 slice): 1 point
Kettle Brand Baked Chips: 3 points
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12 points

Dinner
Steak (1 small): 5 points
Idahoan Mashed Potatoes (1/2 C): 3 points
Broccoli & Cheese: 2 points
Salad with Light Dressing: 2 points
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12 points

32 points for meals
10 left for snacks

Back in the Saddle

I signed up for Weight Watchers Online this morning. I'm not sure how many times this makes, but I do know that I have to make it work this time, if I want any quality of life at all. I hate being conscious of every bite I put in my mouth & freaking out if I eat "extra" salad, so I need to find a fine line between being & eating healthy & being obsessive over it. I'll keep reading my materials & working on my programs & set a new goal when I reach my 5%.

Breakfast

1 C Golden Grahams Cereal - 2 points
1 C Smart Balance Fat Free Milk - 3 points
1 can Monster Rehab Tea + Lemonade + Energy - 1 point

Lunch

2 Morning Star Farms corn dog - 8 points
1 ounce Cheetos Cheddar Jalapeno - 4 points

Dinner

Subway Black Forest Ham & Turkey 6" - 7 points
  (tons of veggies & honey mustard it was a footlong, I just couldn't finish it right then & had the rest later)

Snack

1 bag Smart Pop - 6 points

Subway Black Forest Ham & Turkey 6" - 7 points
  (tons of veggies & honey mustard)

Daily: 41
Weekly: 3

I bought new walking shoes today & plan to take a walk later tonight or tomorrow after visiting my daughter at the jail.

Wow. I didn't even remember having this blog. 7 years. That's a long time to go without blogging. I have been on & off the weight-loss wagon for all of those years. It would certainly be nice to just be a normal weight & on maintenance, but that hasn't happened for me yet. I have, over the past 7 years accepted that I'm a compulsive over-eater & am taking steps to surrender my addiction to food to my higher power & seeing where doing things differently takes me. If I remember this is here, then maybe I'll keep updating on my progress.